29 Hilarious Quotes About Life & People That Are Absolutely Right

1. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

2. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

3. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

4. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

5. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

6. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

7. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

8. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

9. If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.

10. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

3. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

4. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

5. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

6. He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.

7. The road to success is always under construction.

8. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?

9. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

10. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

1. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

2. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

3. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

4. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

5. A day without laughter is a day wasted.

6. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

7. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

8. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

9. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

10. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.